Carter's Cooking
by Queen of Leaves
Summary: They've fought Goa'uld motherships, battled Replicators, and saved the galaxy. Now...can they handle a homecooked meal? Humorromance. SamJack. Based on actual events! my own...Taking a break from angst! Chapter Five is now up!
1. Cookies

Hi all! I'm back. Taking a break from my usual angst and trying my hand at humor. Hahaha…an old episode of MacGyver just came on. LOL! RDA looks so different and…oh Lord, he has a mullet. Save us!!!

III

Jack O'Neill was finding it difficult to keep a straight face as he chewed. Between the hopefully expectant look on Carter's face to the spoonful of something that was currently burning a hole in his tongue, it was indeed very difficult to decide. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Well sir, how is it?" Sam asked, blue eyes bright with anticipation.

Jack looked over at Daniel, whose expression matched his perfectly, and then at Teal'c, who, strangely enough, seemed to be enjoying his meal. With difficulty, Jack swallowed.

"Um…not horrible. Daniel?"

Daniel seemed to think it was wise to keep his mouth closed at the moment. Sam's face fell.

"That bad?"

Jack nodded. "Yeah?

Carter swore under her breath. "I was sure I had it that time."

Jack leaned forward. "Retrace you steps. What's in it?"

Sam pondered this for a moment. "Well, the usual. Flour, sugar, a bit of salt…vinegar."

Daniel's face turned red as he spewed. "VINEGAR?!?!"

Sam nodded again; unsure of why this would be a problem.

Jack leaned forward. "Carter, you were making cookies, right?"

She smiled proudly and nodded again.

"Do you traditionally need a spoon to eat cookies?"

Sam's face widened with alarm "oh shi-"

WORMHOLE ACTIVATED

Jack smiled slightly as his mouth regained feeling. "That was well-timed."

III

Sam threw her coat onto her chair as she closed the door of her house behind her and Jack. She was fuming.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?"

Jack grinned mischievously. "Well, I still can't feel my mouth, if that's what you mean."

Sam leaned in and kissed him passionately. "How 'bout now?"

Jack pondered this. "Nope. Nothing. Maybe you should try again."

Sam slapped his shoulder playfully.

Jack smiled again. "Maybe cooking's just not your thing. We all have flaws," he said, wrapping his arms around her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. She turned in his arms.

"What's yours?"

Jack screwed up his face in mock thought.

"Well, it's always a great burden to be this handsome and witty and engaging…"

Sam snorted. "Oh please-", but was cut off by Jack's kiss. He grinned.

"Worked on you!"

III

Well, you all know how much I love reviews. If this is total crap, please let me know. Chapter two is already in the works, so I'll try and update soon.

-T


	2. Pies

This is just some humor/fluff. I like poking fun at characters, so this is going to be kinda random. Bear with me! Some might be a little out of character, but I'm just going where the story takes me.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

(Chapter Two)

Jack was back in the Gateroom with Sam's latest concoction.

"You first," he said to Daniel.

"No way! I'm not touching that!"

"Now Daniel…" Jack chided. "Don't make me make this an order."

Daniel grimaced. "Technically, I am a civilian, so you can't give me or-"

"Daniel…" Jack's voice held a note of warning.

Daniel slid forward in his chair, cautiously eyeing the smoking platter.

"It's still hot."

"Yeah, that's odd. She baked it a few hours ago."

Jack's eyebrows raised as he spoke.

"Daniel Jackson, I will sample Major Carter's meal." Teal'c said.

Jack stood and slapped Teal'c on the back.

"Today is a good day to die, my friend."

"I am unfamiliar with that saying, O'Neill."

"Ahh…never mind. Dig in!"

Teal'c's eyebrow rose and arched into its usual position. He reached out and scooped a steaming spoonful of something and ate it. Jack and Daniel nervously awaited his reaction.

"It is quite good, O'Neill."

Jack and Daniel looked at each other and then, with a shrug, reached out and dug their own spoonfuls of the "pie."

The scene Sam saw as the entered the mess hall was interesting to say the least. Jack's face was a particular shade of green. Daniel was currently spitting something into a trashcan.

(Later…in a corridor)

"Aww come on Carter."

"Sir! Really! Did you have to make it public? You could have been more discreet! I have airmen asking me to bake pies to combat the Goa'uld!!!"

Jack snickered under his breath. Actually, that wasn't that bad of an idea.

"Sam…" he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. I won't tell anyone else. No more cooking stories."

Sam smiled at him. "No more crazy jokes?"

Jack returned her smile. "Yeah. Don't worry, Carter. I think you have potential for a real business here."

Sam beamed. "Really?"

Jack grinned. "Oh yeah. They could make little t-shirts that say 'I survived Carter's cooking.' It'd be a hit!"

Sam's eyes bulged as she spun angrily on her heel and stormed away, the sounds of Jack's laugher following her all the way back to her lab.

(Infirmary)

Doctor Frasier was currently shining a light in Daniel's eyes.

"Have you had any headaches preceding this one?"

"No."

"Have you been feeling poorly lately?"

"No"

"Eat anything unusual?"

Daniel pondered this. "Well, a bit of Sam's pie…"

Janet's head shot up. "It's worse than I thought! You're staying here until we get this out of your system."

(End Chapter Two)

Aww…poor Daniel. Read and Review if you liked! Again, this is just pure fluff. See ya next chapter!


	3. Lessons and Toast

Sorrrrrry! I had an awful week and had absolutely no time to write :). sliding bow down Please forgive me!

Carter's Cooking Chapter Three

III

What had started out as harmless fun was quickly becoming something more, Jack decided. Sam was no longer speaking to him as a sort of punishment for his jokes…even though they had been pretty funny.

Sam had also stopped cooking. This in itself wasn't so bad, seeing how the cells in Jack's mouth were finally beginning to grow back. Daniel was also recovering well, after getting the "pie" out of his system.

But what concerned Jack was Sam. She had even gone so far as to confine him to the couch! So late night snuggles, hugs…other…stuff.

Jack was in pain.

III

Sam sat in Janet's office, arms folding stubbornly across her chest as listened to Janet's plea.

"Sam, I can teach you! I've been cooking my whole life. Every Frasier knows basic cooking skills."

"Janet, no! I give up! I'm the laughing stock of the entire base now thanks to Colonel O'Neill's jokes!"

Janet's eyebrow rose. "Since when was he Colonel O'Neill again?"

Sam's face reddened and she remained silent. Janet leaned forward, a sort of conspirator's look flooding her features.

"Is he sleeping on the couch now?"

Sam nodded and Janet burst into peals of laughter.

"Oh, that's priceless," she said, wiping her eyes.

Sam looked confused. "What?"

Janet winked. "It's just, I can see who wears the rank in your relationship."

III

"Okay. We are going to start with the basics. By the time I'm done with you, you will be making some of the finest cuisine known to man. Colonel O'Neill will fall at your feet."

Janet and Sam were standing in Janet's kitchen. All counters were littered with pots, pans, dishes, mixing spoons, measuring cups and seemingly hundreds of other tools that each served some different function. Sam rolled up her sleeves and smiled at the thought.

"What are we starting with? Pasta? Casserole?"

Janet mimicked her gesture and replied with a small smirk.

"Toast."

III

Three loaves of bread and two toasters later, Janet was giving up.

"I don't understand. How can anyone screw up toast?"

Sam's face had taken on a flushed expression, but whether it was due to embarrassment or rather the flames that had appeared out of Toaster 1 remained a mystery.

"Run me through it again," she said, lips pursing in distaste.

Janet sighed and ran her hands through her dark hair.

"Step one. Insert bread into toaster."

Sam reached into the bread sack and pulled out two slices of bread, holding them with a caution she usually invoked on C4 or naquata. She gingerly inserted them into the toaster, tongue appearing at the edge of her mouth as she concentrated.

Janet rolled her eyes. "Step two. Set toaster to medium."

Sam reached out and poked the toaster control button until it was set to medium. She turned and peeked meekly at Janet over her shoulder.

"Step three. Press down the lever on the side."

Sam flexed her fingers. _"So close…just reach out. That's right, hit the button Sam," _she thought.

With a trembling hand, Sam reached out and pressed down the lever and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Hey…I did it!" Sam opened her eyes slowly, a small victorious grin spreading across her face.

At that moment, the toaster exploded.

III

"That thing has it in for me!"

"That's three toasters, Sam! How can you mess that up?"

Janet was storming back to her lab after putting out the raging fire in her kitchen, having finally given up on Sam.

"Janet, I'm sorry! I don't know what happened. I followed your instructions perfectly!"

Janet turned to face her.

"I could be wrong, but I don't think deep-frying my kitchen was Step Four."

They entered the Infirmary, only to be greeted by a nervous Jack, who was just winding up a visit with Daniel.

"Wow…you guys look…well-done," he said, referring to the scorch marks that lined their clothes.

Sam narrowed her eyes and, with a small noise of frustration, spun on her heel and left the lab.

Jack looked confused.

"What'd I say?"

III

Hope that makes it up to you guys! Reviews are appreciated, as usual. Glad to know so many people are enjoying this! I'll definitely continue this until I run out of food ideas for Sam, so stick around. Oh…and if you're wondering where the idea for this story came from…let's just say, it's based on real life events. -T


	4. Sushi

Hi everyone! Sorry this took so long…high school sucks! Thanks for sticking with this! I'm taking suggestions for what you think Sam should try and cook next, so let me know!

Chapter Four-

Jack was in his usual position at the end of a table, staring at a covered porcelain dish. This dish had no smoke pouring out from underneath the large dome; it was suspiciously still. Jack gave a heavy sigh. Carter had said she would forgive him for his comments if he could sit through one meal. One meal…he would rather take on Aphopis single-handed. Jack glanced up at Carter, who was viewing him with the distinct look of a smug feline.

"What is it this time?" Jack inquired.

Sam grinned, rolling up on the balls of her feet like a child eagerly awaiting a precious Christmas gift.

"I have had no luck with any kind of cooking so I figure my best luck would be with…"

She paused, allowing for the author's dramatic interpretation to leak in, and pulled the lid off of the dish with a flourish.

"Sushi!"

Jack's eyes widened. After what he had seen so far, he wasn't sure he trusted Sam with raw food.

Jack scooted in and peered at the dish. There were rolls filled with seaweed, a few leafy green enigmas and a crawfish. Jack's eyebrows unwittingly moved to arch in its favorite position. Crawfish….

The chopsticks were lifted, provided by a quick stop into a Chinese restaurant, and the first bite was taken.

Surprisingly, salads seemed to agree with Sam. Now, if only he could convince her that he loved her despite her toaster-killing affinity.

"Try the crawfish."

Jack closed his eyes briefly. The moment of truth. He poked the crawfish with one extended chopstick.

And it moved.

"Holy crap!"

Jack shot up out of his chair. Sam looked at him in alarm.

"What's wrong?"

Jack was pointing a shaky finger at the plate, moving behind his chair in an attempt to put as much distance between him and his would-be dinner as possible.

"I poked it…and it moved!"

Sam laughed. "You're only imagining things, Jack. Eat."

Jack stared at the crawfish. A feeler moved slightly, experimenting as it tested its new surroundings. A leg moved and then the crawfish began to crawl.

"Sammmmm!"

Sam looked down and saw the crawfish scuttling across the table. It was making a slight hissing noise as it reared up against a very frightened Jack.

Sam, ever the hero, gave into her natural instincts and reached out for something to crush the crawfish. With a sickening crunch, the hissing stopped, replaced by the sound of Jack's heavy breathing and Sam's nervous giggle.

"Did…you have to use that?"

Sam looked at her right hand and found Jack's tackle box dangling from her fingertips. She turned it over with a small groan of disgust.

"Eww…crawfish guts."

Sam composed herself and grinned. "Wait until the base hears that Jack is afraid of a little old crawfish!"

Cackling maniacally, Sam dropped the tackle box and ran to her car, speeding towards the base in order to spread this fresh piece of gossip.

"Payback rules, Jack!" she yelled as she started the car.

"Nooo!" Jack cried and ran to the doorway. He could practically feel his male pride being ripped away from him as she turned the corner so viciously, the tires squealed.

"Does this mean you forgive me?" Jack wondered aloud.

End Chapter Four-

Well…that was interesting…I have no idea what goes on in my head sometimes… anyway, reviews with feedback are always appreciated! See ya next chapter!


	5. Sushi Continued

The long-awaited update!

-Carter's Cooking-

This had to be a new record. Jack had been amused, humiliated, scared out of his wits and aroused all in one day. He was having more mood swings than a cheerleader on PMS. Currently, Jack was pissed. He had flown hundreds of planes in his lifetime, the best and fastest the Air Force had to offer. He had even flown into space, but now Jack O'Neill was stuck in traffic.

It wouldn't even be so bad, but for every minute that Jack was stuck in traffic, Sam was telling more and more people about his irrational fear of crawfish. The fear had been dying down, but seeing a real live crawfish come tumbling onto his plate unlocked a lot of childhood trauma.

Sam, of course, was ecstatic that he could now be the butt of jokes after all the hell he had given her about her cooking.

Finally, Jack reached the mountain base, dashing into the complex and glancing around with a look of bewildered anger.

"Where is she?" He demanded, grabbing the collar of the nearest airman and shaking him throughly.

"W-w-w-ho S-s-s-s-i-r-r?" replied the airman.

"CARTER!"

"Ha-v-v-v-en't see-e-e-e-n h-h-h-e-r!" Shouted the airman. "S-t-o-o-o-p s-s-s-h-a-k-i-n-n-n-g m-e-e-e-e-e!"

Jack gave him one more shake for good measure and ran down the corridor.

SJSJSJSJ

The door to Jack's office was slightly ajar and consequently, Jack's Black Ops senses were on high alert.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa DUM!" Jack threw open the door, turning on the lights. The room was empty of people.

Jack frowned. Jaws theme music was not a good fit for breaking into his own office.

Whistling James Bond, Jack sat down at his desk, kicking his feet up. His hum came to a strangled halt at the sight of the hundreds of crawfish resting on his phone, desk, shelves and floor.

"REE REE REE REE!" Psycho theme song

Jack screamed.

Loudly.

SJSJSJSJ

Meanwhile, Carter was rolling around on the floor of her own lab, laughing hysterically at the sight of Jack O'Neill on top of his desk, kicking crawfish left and right and screaming even louder when he discovered that they rebounded off the walls.

"CARTER! YOU ARE A DEAD WOMAN!"

Infirmary 

"Colonel?"

Jack twitched slightly. Janet sighed, turning to General Hammond and the rest of SG-1. Sam, however, was notably absent.

"Too much fear, sir. His mind simply shut down. He's gonna have to stay here until he gets over his fear."

"Of what?" Hammond asked.

Janet stifled a laugh and held up a small plastic bag with a dead crawfish inside.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jack sat up screaming, too scared for words.

"Doctor Fraiser, put it away!" Teal'c said, obviously trying to hold back laughter at Jack's expense. The bag disappeared into Janet's lab coat and Jack promptly slumped back against his pillows, twitching every now and then.

"What are we going to do, General?" Daniel said as they left the Infirmary. "We have a mission in two hours."

"Major Carter will be leading the team since this is a routine meet-and-greet."

Routine. HAH!

Two hours later

Sam smiled widely upon seeing their welcoming party on P3x-466.

"Welcome, travelers! Please, come. We have prepared a feast in your honor."

Sam grinned again and unwrapped a small bundle in her arms.

"Great! I brought dessert!"

SJSJSJ

"Open the iris!" Hammond commanded, wondering why the hell SG-1 would be returning six hours ahead of schedule.

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c came running through the Stargate, obviously terrified. A few beams of weapon fire made it through just before the iris closed.

"Major! What the hell happened?"

Sam straightened up, still panting.

"Well, we sat down with them for a feast they had prepared in our honor and..."

"And?"

Sam shrugged. "I thought it would be polite to bring dessert. Pie, actually."

"YOU GAVE THEM PIE!"

Sam cringed. "Yes...sir."

"Do NOT tell me they ate it!"

Sam looked distressed now. "Well, they didn't eat it, exactly. One bite and they kinda spit it out. Next thing I knew, we were being fired at."

"Briefing in one hour, Major!" Hammond's face was bright red with anger.

"Yes sir," she replied meekly.

SJSJSJSJSJ

Sam sat at Jack's bedside, grasping his hand.

"Jack, I'm so sorry. You were right. My cooking sucks. I just destroyed diplomatic relations...with a PIE!" Sam sobbed, burying her face in his chest.

Jack stirred slightly, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

Sam looked up, eyes shining. "Can you ever forgive me for putting crawfish in your office?"

"And?"

"In your lunch."

"And?"

"In your underwear drawer, file cabinet, tackle box, shower and locker."

"Thank you."

Sam rested her chin on his chest, smiling as he pulled her onto the bed with him, holding her tightly.

"They can smell fear, ya know," he whispered darkly.

Sam sighed and promptly fell asleep.

Briefing Room 

Daniel looked up from his doodles.

"I don't think she's coming."

-Five Years-

Alright, that ended up being longer than I thought! Please review!


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